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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Krust.'s LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
9:32 pm
Happy 2007, or something.
Random thoughts and rambles . . .
I never write in my LiveJournal anymore, I miss this outlet, I need to start using it again. I feel like I keep everything in and I don't always express myself, and this was my way of getting things out. Maybe that's lame, but I'm not a huge talker.
I did, however, have a good, somewhat long talk with my brother on the phone tonight. It's a big deal, because neither of us are huge talkers. It was really nice. It felt really good to hear him say that more than ever, he wants Sarah and I to move closer.
I've been really unhappy lately. Maybe it's being away from my family is finally really getting to me, maybe it's the fact that I'm unemployed, and feel like my life is going nowhere, and I have no motivation to do anything about it. Even when I was still working, this was all an issue. My last job, paid me barely anything, and I felt shitty everyday because I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn't see the point in doing it, as much as I cared about the store itself and the people, my job didn't mean much, I knew that they could get rid of me any day, and someone else could do my job just as well, it wasn't rocket science. Not that being unemployed is any better, it's a horrible feeling knowing that you have nowhere to be or nothing to do the next day, that you are of no importance to anyone, and that there is no money coming to you form anywhere.
I want to be stable, and be able to fund the shopping habit I used to have, I know it's horrible, but I miss my little shopping trips. I'm sorry if that makes me greedy or a dumb girl, but yes, I LOVE to shop. I want to and go on fun little trips. I want to go to Tahoe, Disneyland, and Vegas. And eventually BIG trips! I want to be able to travel. I want to go out with my friends for dinner, or drinks, or dancing, and treat everyone. I want to be the person who can do that. I want to buy a house someday, and someday soon. I want to have a family, and be comforatable. I know people say 24 is young, but I don't feel that young anymore. I guess in a way, I'm ready to be domesticated, or at least start moving closer to it. Lately it seems that's my friends and I are always talking about... The future, and it's fun to, but mostly scary, because I know I may never have all the things I want.
I know I'm just whining and bitching and it mean absolutely nothing if I don't intend on doing something about it. But, I do. So, I guess the point of all this is that I'm making a resolution of sorts. I plan to.... I don't even know what my plan is. But, I know this much:
-I know I need a job first and foremost, ideally an office job, something as a receptionist, or in Human Resources.
-I want to go back to school, but first I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do, I saw a commercial for Devry last night, maybe I'll look into that.
-I want to move back to the Peninsula, and be able to afford it. I don't care if I live in a tiny apartment next to the freeway, I just want to be close to everyone, and get to do the things that make me happy.
I need people's support and advice, minus their criticisms. I've never been one to follow through, on well almost anything I set out to do. But, I don't need to be told I won't do something, the way I usually am. I hate that I am so lazy. I hate that I can't go to sleep at night, and once I finally do, can't wake up in the morning. I hate that I can’t talk to people about how I honestly feel. I just kinda hate myself right now. I've been ruining my life since I can remember. I think I need therapy.

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
9:35 pm
Making a comeback.
I haven't poted anything in so long.
I am going to start again.
It's a good outlet.
And I want to start posting photos of my makeup, because I plan to get into makeup artistry now, and I will want feedback.
And, I'm vain.
I'll be back soon. So come see.

I wonder if anyone will ever read this.

Current Mood: stressed
Monday, January 9th, 2006
3:15 am
I need sleep.
Oh, but I cannot sleep.
I get on a plane at 8:15 tonight and fly to the East Coast.
I am soooo excited.
Change is in the air.
I can feel it.
Yea, I definately felt it.
Until next time.....

Current Mood: ecstatic
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
8:02 pm
I would kill for some Ice Cream right now.
Random Rant.
I'm avoiding everything.
So, I'm sitting in my room. I am semi-cleaning it. But, taking alot of breaks, because I'm lazy. Like really lazy. My pile of laundry is still in the hallway. I intended on starting it like 3 hours ago. Now, I'm thinking tommorrow, or Saturday...? Shit, I better do it tonight.
Why am I soooooo unmotivated? I hate it. I hate waking up after 1pm, which I have been doing alot lately. I just feel gross when I do, and depressed because I wasted the whole day, I have so much I should be doing. Such as going to school, which I have been terrible about. How is it, that I have perfect attendence at work, like I'm early even most of the time, but I can't drag my ass to school? I'm not going to lie, I don't like it as much as I thought I would, or as much as I did when I started. But, is that just me being lazy. Yes, probably. I just feel like a total failure, although, I haven't completely failed, yet. But, I want to finish, so I can finally say I've done SOMETHING. Even though, I don't think it's even what I want to do anymore.
Anyway, I'm lame. Part of my motivation for cleaning my room is the fact that I will be moving soon, like end of Februaryish. Not sure where I'm going to live yet. I really would LOVE to try living on my own. But, financially that is retarded. I need to make myself more financially independent. And I think Living on my own is the only way to accomplish that. I know I still depend on my sister and roomates to remind me to pay bills, and things, and it's kinda ridiculous, beacuse I am 23 and I should grow the fuck up. Plus, I'd like to have a place to myself, becasue shit I'm selfish, and I want to do things my way. The other reason is the East Coast trip I am Embarking on, on Monday. I have never been to Boston or New York, and I'm really excited. I'm going with some coworkers. I hope to learn alot, really, oh and shop, I can't lie. I'm a little nervous, I have been known to get Homesick... I'm leaving all of my family, and friends and my room, with all my stuff. I will be far way, and how do I know everyone and everything is protected. Not that I ever protect anyone. But, you know. Plus, I've noticed myself getting extremely territorial lately... So, leaving my room without supervision for like a week is making me beyond crazy. I hate that. I think I have trust issues.
I'm totally avoiding cleaning at this point. I have too much cra. I want a dumpster outside my door, to throw out all my clutter. Like the unimportnat stuff I save for no reason. I'm such a pack rat. I really should read more, and watch something other than stupid sitcoms that I've seen the same episode of like 10 times. I have been feeling somewhat inspired lately, but still unmotivated. Is that possible? If it is, it's stupid. but, that's what I am.
Why are you reading this?
Go, do something. Don't let me drag you down with me.

Current Mood: discontent
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
9:49 pm
If I speak up then, no one will hear.
I feel sick.
I am in a very negative mood.
Why am I even home right now?
I don't know.
Things are getting uncomforatable.
Time to put this voice to work soon.
I want to be so many different places tonight. I want to be at Jenny's, I want to be in the city with Steoph, Ryan, Kelsey, and Brenna. I want to be at Em's eating Turkey and drinking champagne, I want to go Julia's party and see some of the peeps from Urban, I want to see CERTAIN people, I know I won't see..., I want to be here at home.
I really want to jump off a cliff.
Way to start a New Year...
Ugh, I'm not going to be a downer. But, I feel like the only thing that will make me happy right now, makes me a terrible person.

P.S. I have come to a decision. I AM going to Boston and New York this month (in like a week in half to be exact) with some coworkers. I'm excited. I am nervous, I am doing it.

"No I won't do it again, I don't want to pretend
If it can't be like before I've got to let it end
I don't want what I was, I've had a change of head
But maybe someday...
Yeah maybe someday

I've got to let it go and leave it gone
Just walk away, stop it going on
Get too scared to jump if I wait too long
But maybe someday...

No I won't do it some more, doesn't make any sense
If it can't be like it was, I've got to let it rest
I don't want what I did, I had a change of tense
But maybe someday..."

Current Mood: blah
Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
5:02 am
Pepsi, Work, Mocha, Work, Pepsi, Work, etc...
I am COMPLETELY RE-obsessed with The Lovemakers, right now.
Particularly "Hypnotized", and "Runaway".
I'm actually really bitter that they don't have either on their Myspace, so that I can put on of them on MY Myspace page.

I think I like my job Too much.
It's kinda sad.
Like seriously.
I worked a 13 hour shift and it really didn't even phase me. I'm fully hopped up on Caffiene.
I'm actaully pretty bummed I don't get to be back to work this morning. I guess I enjoy the chaos, big visits and things bring. I love projects. God, I'm lame.
I'd rather work tommorrow than go to school.
Oh well, I guess I will just HAVE to wait until 3 for work.
This isn't always the case, but currently it is.

Ryan was born December 12th around 6:15pm, and weighed around 9 lbs, 5 ounces, I believe. I could be off a bit.
I have not yet seen, Laura, Ryan or John.
They have been in the Hospital for a few days.
Everyone got to visit today, but I was working, I actually would have given ANYTHING to have been able to leave work at that point to go visit, but I'm hoping they come home tommorrow before I leave for work, so I can sneak my peek.
The photos I have seen are nothing short of AMAZING!
This kid is GORGEOUS. And I am continuously brought to tears with each picture text I recieve.
I can't wait to see them all back home.

Okay, maybe I try to sleep for a bit.
I never know what's coming my way.

Current Mood: energetic
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
3:38 pm
Maybe, Baby....?
I spent all morning crying in class. Lame.
Today is the one year anniversary of my Mother's passing, and EVERYTHING reminds of it.
I really thought it wouldn't phase me all that much.

In a rather interesting turn of events,
My roomate leaves to begin the process of inducing labor in like an hour.
Holy snikeys, here comes Ryan.

Current Mood: anxious,excited,depressed,???
3:38 pm
Maybe, Baby....?
I spent all morning crying in class. Lame.
Today is the one year anniversary of my Mother's passing, and EVERYTHING reminds of it.
I really thought it wouldn't phase me all that much.

In a rather strange turn of events,
My roomate leaves to begin the process of inducing labor in like an hour.
Holy snikeys, here comes Ryan.

Current Mood: anxious,excited,depressed,???
Thursday, December 8th, 2005
2:18 am
This head of mine.
I'm a mess right now.
I've tried sleeping, but my mind won't shut down.
I just feel like nothing makes sense, and my life is too hectic, and I can't handle anything, properly.
My health is officially suffering at this point.
My head hurts, my throat hurts, and this damn cold will not go away.

I need to go to school less, so I can work more.
I need my benefits now. I haven't needed them the whole 6 months I had them.
And now, I need a goddamn root canal (sounds pleasent, eh?)
Besides, working at Urban is the only upside right now, at least most of the time it feels like it is.
I may have to quit the job I just took at the spa.
I just don't know what to do with myself right now.

This is not a fun time for me right now.
I Love the season and there really are so many great things going on.
But, I am reminded of my Mother's absence right now, and I can't handle it.
It's been almost exactly one year.
oh man, I am a mess.
I just want her here.
I went to see The Nutcracker last weekend, my Mother had been taking ever since I was a littel girl.
I was in tears the whole first act, pretty much. I felt ridiculous.
I miss her so much.
And I just feel so alone sometimes.

I'm so whiny right now, and crampy....
hooray, we know what that means.

Current Mood: crappy
Friday, December 2nd, 2005
1:37 am
I Love Rosanne.
And sweet potatoes...

Current Mood: blank
Wednesday, November 30th, 2005
10:57 pm
Regarding my last entry:

I still feel the same about missing My Father, Brother, and so on, but I am doing what I need to right now.
But, I need to not freak out the way I do and learn to not let my mind take over the way it does sometimes.
I'm not lonely, it's stupid for me to think I am.
1:05 am
I'm numb from all my doubt, Trying to sort the whole thing out.
My mind is on overload, and most of it is what some may thing is meaningless crap, hell, I think it is some of the time.
I can NEVER get to sleep at a decent hour.
I try turning everything off and just laying in bed to force myself to sleep, but then my mind turns on, and it's pretty much useless.
I'm so emotional right now.
I cried when we left the movie theatre last night.
I miss not being as close with my Father as I once was, and I know I am to blame for it.
Same goes for my Aunt. And my Brother, and Emily, Lisa, and even Laura, who I live with.
Seeing them all the past couple days made me realize it alot more, I guess.
And, I LOVE the Holidays, and CHRISTMAS!!! But, only because of my Family and past Christmases and all the fun things we did, and still try to do, Christmas isn't the same anymore. I dunno, hopefully this is a result of pms, but I feel so detatched, and I do try so hard to not be, but I'm also trying to do so many other things, when I'm not at work, or school, I like to sit in my room, on my computer, with the TV on. Lame, but it's all I want to do on my time off most of the time.
I don't know
bleh. if I'm trying to do too much, or not enough sometimes.
Christmas is I dunno. It makes me feel lonlier than ever, sometimes, I don't understand why I LOVE it so much, because, I really don't like being alone as much as I used to, well that's a lie, I suppose I never actually liked it, but I didn't mind it as much. It's just getting really, really old, or maybe I just don't want to be alone at Christmas. I don't know what to think or do anymore. I probably really shouldn't feel as alone as I do, though.
ramble, ramble, ramble.

On a more positive note: WE may be going to get our Christmas tree tommorrow! Hoooooray!

Off to try that whole sleep thing again.

Current Mood: weird
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
1:26 am
Distance makes the heart grow weak, except to those who hide their needs.
I wish I had the time for this tonight.
I have so so much on my mind and I would love to sit here from the next few minutes and get it out. But, I need to sleep, because I don't do enough of that when I should be, and I end up paying for it in the morning when I am SUPPOSED to be places... such as SCHOOL. I need to get this insomnia thing fixed or at least somewhat under control if I EVER intend on living a semi-normal life.
SO, an update is on the way...

Current Mood: calm
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
4:35 pm
Can't hardly wait.
Random post.
My roomates due date is a day short of 2 weeks away.
This is going to get interesting.
I have never lived with a kid, let alone a newborn!!!
I have no idea what to expect, and I'm just a roomate.
I can only imagine what they are waiting for right now.
I am ridiculously excited.

Current Mood: anxious
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
1:17 am
I wish I was better at calling the people I Love and letting them know just that.
Things are pretty good right now.
I found a distraction. I am keeping very, very busy.
Work and School, full time.
Soon work will only be part-time, thank god.
I'm gonna sound silly, but I am so amped to be learning new things right now.
I'm really really excited about school right now.
I got 100% on my first test. So, I kinda rule.
I slept for about 4 hours last night, and I'm still suprisingly upbeat.
I was not, however last night, after getting off of work at 2am.
Not cool when I need to be at school by 7:50 the next day.
Whatever, enough of my bitching about that already.
I am already looking forward for the school week to begin again on Tuesday.

What I accomplished on my 4th day of class. What an eventful Saturday:

Current Mood: chipper
Thursday, November 3rd, 2005
12:45 am
Get yourself an education.
I had a really good talk with Jenny tonight.
At least I think it was good.
I actually teared up a bit.
We talked about the holidays, school, loves, losses.
It was good. I needed it.

I realized that there is wayyyy too much I want to with my life, and not enough time to do it.
Mostly becuase, I haven't started to do any of it.
I have alot in the works right now.
Jenny got me thinking. But, like the really good thinking.
She made me really want to try to some of the things I want to do, And actually made me believe I CAN.
I know me, and I know I lack motivation, and ambition.
I just need people to believe in me. Maybe I am just THAT dependent.
As of now... I am going to do the Manicuring and Esthetician thing.
I want to try to work on getting some of my G.E. credits, via community college, by online courses, most likely.
I need to educate myself. I am not an intellegant person, like book-smart-wise, and I hate that.
One of the things I admire about certain people is the way they talk and carry on a conversation, I believe that alot of that comes from the type of education you have.
I intend on improving my level of intellegence.
I am currently re-thinking Cosmetology school, as a whole. (This could change)
I am goig to look into Fashion school, again.
And eventually I really want to obtain a Bachelor's Degree, and do some Counseling work.
How is it that I have been out of High School, and I swore I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and suddenly I want to about 8 different ythings with it?
Shit, I am brilliant.

We talked about the upcoming holiday season, or apparently the current holiday season.
We both have similar issues with this time of year.
I LOVE it. But, it might be a hard one, again.
My Mother's Birthday is this Monday.
After that Thanksgiving, holiday shopping, Christmas....
And, I know I spent last Christmas without her, but now that it has been almost a year, it feels different.
I'm rather apprehensive for the upcoming weeks.
I am trying to remain optimistic, however.

The Baby will be here in the next few weeks, and I am beyond anxious.
I am ridiculously excited at this point.
I want to be able to spend as much time with him, and Lo, before they move to Pleasanton.
Lord knows visits will probably be fewer and farther between on both ends.
But, luckily, we all love to travel and take mini road trips, every now and again.

Current Mood: stressed
Monday, October 31st, 2005
12:03 pm
Happy Halloween.
Should I dress up for work?
I WANTED to go to Burlingame today to see Dana ( the girl I used to Nanny for). but, of course I have to work. Oh well, I am gonna go see her soon. I just HAVE to. I miss her so much, and I have been a horrible friend. But, I intend on making up for it.
I'm in good spirits today, due to a series of fortunate events in the recent hours.
We'll see what comes about.

Maybe I'll go as pirate... That's easy.
Hope everyone is having a LOVELY Halloween.

I miss too many people right now.

Current Mood: awake
Saturday, October 29th, 2005
12:21 am
It's looking to be yet another joyous holiday season...
My sister's cat was hit by a car tonight.
Her cats are like her children. Seriously.
I hate seeing people hurt.
Poor Lo was so upset...
And my sister is devasted.

I Love you, Vinnie. Rest in Peace.

Current Mood: sad
Friday, October 14th, 2005
4:40 pm
I could really use some Paxil right now.
I hate anxiety attacks.
Thursday, October 13th, 2005
1:54 am
would you be there for me, Like I was there for you....
Today was a good day.
I got a raise! Hoo-fuckin-ray!
I talked to my manager about my wishes to go back to school.
And, I have decided it might be sooner than I was planning.
I think I'm gonna just tell them, I want to start before the month is over... :/
We had a really good long talk. It made me want to work so much more.
But, I know I need to go back and do the school thing, NOW.
Or I'm going to lose the opportunity, time, and money.
I still plan on doing both work and school.
I'm just hesitant about giving up my position, because I know I will have to.
Whatever, I'm stupid.
I need to stop analyzing all this crap.
I'm totally hopped up on caffiene from Mochas, and Coca-Cola right now.
I need to be knocked hte fuck out, ASAP.

Tommorrow, a day off.
Berkeley with Emily for Piercings!!!!
AND Family Fun Night minus The OC.
Which means Board Games!!!!, I Love me some board games.
And then I intend on dancing myself into oblivion.
And Lindsey comes to town!
Another good day awaits.
Make that a few good days... the next few days are looking somewhat promising.
Crossing my fingers that I will get to see the boy...

This song is my current OBSESSION, and actually brought a tear to my eye last night.
"You do something to me that I can´t explain.
So would I be out of line if i said
I miss you.
I know I´ll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care
And, I miss You."

Current Mood: bouncy
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