I never write in my LiveJournal anymore, I miss this outlet, I need to start using it again. I feel like I keep everything in and I don't always express myself, and this was my way of getting things out. Maybe that's lame, but I'm not a huge talker.
I did, however, have a good, somewhat long talk with my brother on the phone tonight. It's a big deal, because neither of us are huge talkers. It was really nice. It felt really good to hear him say that more than ever, he wants Sarah and I to move closer.
I've been really unhappy lately. Maybe it's being away from my family is finally really getting to me, maybe it's the fact that I'm unemployed, and feel like my life is going nowhere, and I have no motivation to do anything about it. Even when I was still working, this was all an issue. My last job, paid me barely anything, and I felt shitty everyday because I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn't see the point in doing it, as much as I cared about the store itself and the people, my job didn't mean much, I knew that they could get rid of me any day, and someone else could do my job just as well, it wasn't rocket science. Not that being unemployed is any better, it's a horrible feeling knowing that you have nowhere to be or nothing to do the next day, that you are of no importance to anyone, and that there is no money coming to you form anywhere.
I want to be stable, and be able to fund the shopping habit I used to have, I know it's horrible, but I miss my little shopping trips. I'm sorry if that makes me greedy or a dumb girl, but yes, I LOVE to shop. I want to and go on fun little trips. I want to go to Tahoe, Disneyland, and Vegas. And eventually BIG trips! I want to be able to travel. I want to go out with my friends for dinner, or drinks, or dancing, and treat everyone. I want to be the person who can do that. I want to buy a house someday, and someday soon. I want to have a family, and be comforatable. I know people say 24 is young, but I don't feel that young anymore. I guess in a way, I'm ready to be domesticated, or at least start moving closer to it. Lately it seems that's my friends and I are always talking about... The future, and it's fun to, but mostly scary, because I know I may never have all the things I want.
I know I'm just whining and bitching and it mean absolutely nothing if I don't intend on doing something about it. But, I do. So, I guess the point of all this is that I'm making a resolution of sorts. I plan to.... I don't even know what my plan is. But, I know this much:
-I know I need a job first and foremost, ideally an office job, something as a receptionist, or in Human Resources.
-I want to go back to school, but first I need to figure out what the hell I'm going to do, I saw a commercial for Devry last night, maybe I'll look into that.
-I want to move back to the Peninsula, and be able to afford it. I don't care if I live in a tiny apartment next to the freeway, I just want to be close to everyone, and get to do the things that make me happy.
I need people's support and advice, minus their criticisms. I've never been one to follow through, on well almost anything I set out to do. But, I don't need to be told I won't do something, the way I usually am. I hate that I am so lazy. I hate that I can't go to sleep at night, and once I finally do, can't wake up in the morning. I hate that I can’t talk to people about how I honestly feel. I just kinda hate myself right now. I've been ruining my life since I can remember. I think I need therapy.